What we actually are finding now is that it’s not so much us being able to put our foot on the gas. It’s actually, how do we take our foot off the break? And that is a little bit more nuanced because for different people, it’s gonna be different things.
Given that, one of the easiest ways to start working out what kinds of things help you take your foot off the break, Cyndi said, is to reflect back on times you’ve had sex that have been fantastic
And by ‘sex,’ she means anything from a good make out session or oral or a great hand session or intercourse – the whole spectrum of sexy fun.
What’s made it fantastic. And I can almost guarantee it wasn’t the positions that you used. It wasn’t Necessarily, you know, what you were wearing, but more than anything, it’s gonna have something to do with the context in which the sex happened.
So what was happening before and during, and perhaps even after, and also it’s gonna have to do with how you felt about yourself. And how you felt about your partner at the time. So that could be things like that you were feeling confident. You were in a really good mood. You were, had had a couple of drinks and your, some of your inhibitions had dropped away.
You felt really understood and validated by your partner. Any of these kinds of things can impact how you feel. So how we understand what’s gonna help us is a lot more nuanced than just, you know, find this thing and, and go for it.
There is a degree of self inquiry involved in it, especially once we understand that desire is not simply just waiting for horniness to take you on a journey, especially for people for whom horniness doesn’t come that easily, or it doesn’t come before they start having sex.
For a lot of people horniness will appear, but it will appear, you know, 20 or 30 minutes after they’ve started having the kind of sex that their body likes, which might be different than the kind of sex their mind likes.
And it ties into another myth that I love that you brought up about desire being essential to good sex
August: Oh, that’s so important. I love that idea of also giving yourself the grace to start sex when like, you want to have it, but you aren’t desiring it, permission to have that seems really valuable 
.
Cyndi: Again, I think it’s this idea that we have to be in the mood. We have to feel like it… Again, it’s based on this thing that we have to be horny. And good sex is co-created by two people, or more, who have the intention of making the sex session good for one or both partners during the session. If you are going into a sex session and. You’re not talking about what you like and what you want.
Your partner’s not talking about what they like and what they want. There’s a little bit of nervousness. There’s a little bit of awkwardness. There’s a bit of you know, shyness and trepidation and, and these kinds of things. It can be very, very hard then to be able to sort of hand yourself over into the experience because you’re constantly sort of double checking yourself and them and these kinds of things.
When these kinds of contexts happen, sometimes it takes a little bit of time for your body to relax and for their body to relax and to be able to get into the sex so you start to find a flow with each other, where it does start to feel good and your body starts to come online. Your nervous system starts to come online.